QUESTION CAROLINE: My daughter made me move out

If you have problems, email Caroline at  Caroline reads all of your letters, but unfortunately she can't reply to them one by one

If you have problems, email Caroline at  Caroline reads all of your letters, but unfortunately she can't reply to them one by one

If you have problems, email Caroline at [email protected]. Caroline reads all of your letters, but unfortunately she can’t reply to them one by one

My daughter made me move out

Q My oldest daughter passed away three years ago. My other daughter has two sons in their early 20s, both of whom live at home. The youngest has autism and for over 20 years I have taken care of and supported him – often with my family. But two weeks ago, my daughter asked me to hand over the keys and move the furniture out of the room I had always considered my own. She said that I made her swoon by being there every day. She told me that her eldest son wanted my room because it was bigger than his. This hit me hard. Now it feels like I’m a stranger in her house. I have moved out and live full time with my brother. He’s kind but my heart is breaking. I didn’t think she could be so cruel to me. Now we just talk politely. I remember going to see them every day. I’m 74 years old and that has taken a toll on me.

One This is sad, especially when you have lost your other daughter. Without knowing the full situation, it’s hard to understand why she would act this way when you sound like you’ve been supportive for years. If your daughter was close to her sister, it was probably a reaction of grief or depression to her death.

Sometimes, if these feelings are repressed, they can reappear later in the form of anger or bitterness. Another possibility is that your daughter is in a new relationship and wants space for this person to stay from time to time. If so, she may be making excuses instead of just being honest about her true motives. Also, could there be any truth in the way she sees things, perhaps seeing your help and support as controlling?

She gave my room to her son and asked me to give my key back

However, I really hope and believe that there may be a way forward. It sounds like you’ve spent 20 years being productive with your daughter instead of living your own life, so some change is needed. I’m guessing that you’ve been single the whole time, which might make you too dependent on her. Even though you have supported your family out of love, not many people your daughter’s age want to live with their mother. So first, try to develop your own social life by reconnecting with friends, taking on new hobbies or perhaps studying. The U3A Foundation has locally run interest groups around the country and is a great way to make new friends while doing a fulfilling activity. There are also many people who say that you are not too old to try online dating.

Meanwhile, write your daughter a letter, saying you miss her and her sons – and ask her where she feels things went wrong. Explain how much you love them and how happy you are to change to regain that closeness. Explain that you don’t want to lose her or her sister. Perhaps she would be happy to accompany you to family therapy – can help you reconnect in a neutral space. I hope that she will be able to see how sad you are and that your closeness to her can be restored.

Does a drunken kiss mean anything?

Q A few weeks ago, my husband came home drunk from a party with co-workers. The next morning, he seemed grumpy and aloof. It’s not just a hangover. After a few days, he was back to normal and very emotional. I got suspicious and he eventually admitted that he had snooped on a colleague in the parking lot while they were waiting for a taxi. He regretted it and told me it was really just alcohol. He said that he met her once at work, and that she was also embarrassed. Both want to forget it happened. I trust him – we usually have a good marriage – but should I be worried? We are in our late 40s.

One Obviously this is annoying, but, no, you probably don’t need to worry. I’m not making excuses for your husband’s actions, but I think this kiss is just booze.

It doesn’t sound like it’s going any further or is a foreshadowing of an affair. Especially when the woman in question feels embarrassed too (if your husband is telling the truth, your instincts tell you he is). That said, your husband needs to take a look at his behavior. Why is he so drunk? Does it happen often? It’s important for him to continue to cuddle and reassure you that you’re the only woman for him. You need to talk about your relationship to make sure that both of your needs are met and that you both don’t take each other for granted. An orderly date night or two – ending with him snooping on you romantically in a dark parking lot.

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